Coming Soon...

The project continues...

A new project is underway. Catch up over at Project Downey Jr.

--peter

Followup on the way

Coming soon.

Project Stallone: "Rambo"

Rambo
By Peter John Gardner

On January 9th, 2007 I hatched a plan that would answer some questions that had been lingering in my head since graduation from college, the first being "Who am I?" and the second was "How much Stallone is too much Stallone?" I decided to find out by watching every one of Sly's movies and try to extract some sort of meaning or relevance from films that aren't meant to be provoke any thought other than, "How can I get that 90 minutes of my life back?" I remember running the idea by some of my friends before I started. The reaction was split. Some of my friends thought I was crazy and masochistic while the others thought it was brilliant. To be honest, I thought I'd lose interest in this project after about five films or so. I knew that there would be a lot of terrible films that I would have to watch, some I've never seen, and some that I would have to revisit against my better judgment. No one should have to watch Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot more than once in their lifetime.

But then I found out people were reading these silly things and, much to my surprise, liking them. I thought (and still think) that the bulk of these entries are crap, but they gave people a good laugh, and I was having fun writing them, so I kept going. Even from the outset of this project, I never thought I'd finish it. As you can tell, it's been a rough journey for I've watched a lot of bad movies. A lot of Stallone's movies are formulaic pieces of rubbish that are a chore to sit through and that frustration bled into most of these entries. As a lifelong fan of riffing on bad movies a'la Mystery Science Theater 3000, I at least had good fodder for the wiseass-armchair-movie-critic inside of me. What's weirder is that as the project moved forward, I was actually achieving one of my goals. I was learning about myself.

Project Stallone forced me to confront different themes in life and try to figure them out. I've revisited my views on my politics, career choices, family, war, friendship, and Stallone's ass several times over the course of the project, each time learning something new about myself. Stallone's movies were forcing me to look in the mirror. I've written about silly things on this like dick jokes and fart stories, but I've also revealed a lot about myself. If I've done my job correctly, people that read this should have a pretty good idea of where I come from, what makes me tick, and why I am the way I am. It became obvious early in the game that the majority of Stallone's films follow a particular formula, so I had to reach in all different directions to try and find something new to look for with each entry.

Which brings us to the most recent Sly movie at the time of this writing, Rambo. Rocky Balboa was actually profitable and breathed some life into Stallone's sagging career, so Stallone decided to revisit his other famous franchise. While Rocky Balboa's story actually had a pretty good reason to bring the character back, Rambo doesn't even bother with such things. These films aren't deep, and Stallone knows it. People go to a Rambo movie to see Rambo fuck shit up, and that's precisely what Stallone gives us. There's hardly a story. A group of human rights missionaries want to go into Burma. As Rambo states in the movie, "Burma's a war zone". It's true. For the past forty six years, the country of Burma has been under military rule, the kind that aren't very nice to the populace. Here's a link to an article that will give you an idea of what it's like to live in Burma right now: http://www.burmadebate.org/archives/fall00insideout.html. And we think our government is bad.

Rambo has retired to a life of fishing and sailing around the river while brooding endlessly. Although Rambo initially declines to take the missionaries upriver, he rethinks it for reasons unbeknownst to the viewers and guides them upriver. Upon his return, Rambo receives word that they've been captured (of course). Rambo assembles a group of local mercenaries and heads out to Burma to fuck shit up, and fuck shit up he does in spades. This is not only the most violent film in Stallone's oeuvre, but also a brutal film by any means. Throats get ripped open by bare hands, bad guys are gunned down by a machine gun strapped to a truck POINT BLANK. Rambo's body count is higher than any of the previous Rambo films combined, yet it's satisfying because Stallone spends just enough time in the first act to give the viewer an idea of just how awful things are in Burma in real life so that Rambo finally comes in the third act and does his thing, it's nothing but payoff.

I feel that Stallone's films are like the Burmese government. Sure, they've done some good things that all good movies/countries should do, but the utter brutality overshadows all. Some of these films really hurt to watch, and others felt like straight up rape. While I was initially indifferent toward Stallone/Burma other than minor accomplishments (Rocky, inspiration for the band Mission To Burma), something inside led me to attack these movies with every last ounce of primal rage I could muster. By doing so, Rambo and I have achieved our goals. Rambo rescued the missionaries, and I found enlightenment and peace of mind.

Project Stallone has taught me a lot about myself, but it's also opened up doors that I never thought life would bring me to at this point. I've opened up dialogue with my father, I've gotten paid to write (!), I've met new friends (fans!), and nearly gone insane all because of Project Stallone. I've forced myself to confront my self-esteem, my confidence, and the little zits on my brain that make up my intellect. Most importantly, I hope it gave anyone who read this a good laugh at some point. It's all for you.

Sylvester Stallone has more movies in the pipeline, but I'm ending the project here with his most recent film. I'm not saying that I've learned all there is to know, but Project Stallone has reached it's conclusion for me. There's nowhere else I can go. So many good things have come out of this, and I don't know what else I can say about Stallone films.

Then again, Sly DID say that the Rocky franchise was finished with Rocky V.

Project Stallone: "Rocky Balboa"

Rocky Balboa
By Peter John Gardner

While making the rounds in the press junkets for the release of Rocky Balboa, the sixth and final (yeah, right) installment in the franchise, Stallone insisted that he was never happy with the way Rocky V ended the series, and he wanted to give the character a proper sendoff. After enduring every damn movie this guy has ever made, I'm inclined to think that it was more of a cash grabbing venture after the atrocities that Stallone's been making the past few years. Either way, I feel that this is the best Rocky since the first one.

Sixteen years after Rocky V, we're brought back into the world of the Italian Stallion. Right from the get-go, we learn that Adrian's been dead for several years (sad face "yo"), and Rocky's been living quietly in Philadelphia where he runs a small Italian restaurant. Pauly's still around being the same piss-prick he's been for the past five films, and Rocky's son is trying to live outside his father's shadow by quietly climbing the corporate ladder.

Side note: The guy that plays Rocky's son is the same guy that plays Peter Petrelli on "Heroes", which I feel is an inspired choice because they both have the same "Is he or isn't he retarded?" vibe to them.

One night, ESPN does a computer generated "virtual match" between the current champ (Mason "The Line" Dixon....yes, that's the villain's name) and ol' Rocko. CGI Rock prevails and the match inspires the real Rocky to get back into the ring. Rock's a fighter, always has been, always will be. That's what he does.

To its credit, the film does take Stallone's age into account and works it into the plot. Everyone keeps telling Balboa that he's too old and that his body is no condition to fight anymore...and what's a Rocky film without a montage about overcoming the odds? I hate to admit this publicly, but when I saw this in theaters, a huge smile appeared on my face when the training montage kicked in and the Rocky theme started playing. It provided a cheap thrill for my inner child the same way the trailers for the Star Wars prequels did until I saw the actual movies.

After watching all of these movies, it's easy to see the Balboa/Stallone parallel throughout the course of his career. Likeable underdog hits the big time, makes some outlandish movies/fights, and then kinda fades away when the public loses interest. This is the only role of Stallone's that he does a really good job of acting in which is fine considering Rocky might simply be a metaphor for himself.

Training montage, big fight at the end, blah, blah, blah. It's a Rocky movie. You know how it ends.

This movie is about setting things right in order to find piece of mind. Rocky's past haunts him throughout the film, and fighting one last time is the only way to successfully clear the skeletons out of his closet. Stallone himself was unhappy with the way five ended, so sixteen years later he rectified it. From the outset of the project, my mission was always to find some sort of enlightenment or piece of mind from these terrible movies, and to my surprise I did. My father, being the smart Googler that he is, found me through Project Stallone and contacted me. After twelve years of not talking, I felt that now was the right time to set things straight and tie up loose ends. As bizarre as it sounds, Project Stallone was a catalyst for me to start taking baby steps to establish a relationship with my father again, and you know what? It's been going great. When I stopped talking to him, I was still a kid, and now I'm (arguably) a man, and it's been like meeting a whole new person. We're both adults now and we treat each other as such. Like I said, baby steps, so I'm taking things very slow, but it's a start, and I don't know if this would've happened without this silly little project of mine.

At the twilight of this project with only one more film to go, I can honestly say that I've gained some piece of mind from this thing. It's been a weird journey that I wasn't expecting from an idea that was initially meant to just make my friends laugh. I'm beginning to clear out issues that have been bugging me for years, and I feel like a better person for it.

I can't think of a better way to end this piece than with a simple, "Yo".

Project Stallone: "Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over"

Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over
By Peter John Gardner

If you were to ask me ten years ago whether or not I would like to have children someday, my answer would have been a stern "No".

My stance softened as I've grown older. There's that biological clock thingee in me that starts ticking whenever I see friends of mine with their kids, and I start thinking to myself, "Aww....I want one!" No one is carrying on the Gardner name at the moment, and I thought maybe it was time to give Mom some grandkids.

Then I watched Spy Kids 3-D, and now I never want to have kids. Parents that read this, you have the hardest jobs in the world and you all do great, but I can't even begin to imagine having to sit through hours upon hours of shitty kids movies.

Maybe it's nostalgia or perspective, but the kids movies that I grew up on beat the living shit out of what passes for children's movies these days. We had Star Wars, Indiana Jones, The Goonies, Ghostbusters, ET, Transformers, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. These days, kids have poor remakes of old franchises like Alvin and the Chipmunks and a seemingly endless stream of CGI flicks. I applaud Rodriguez for at least trying to keep the live action adventure movie for kids genre alive.

Let me back up. Spy Kids 3-D isn't completely bad. Let me start off by saying that I watched this movie in 2-D because that's only version Netflix carries, so I'm sure the 3-D version of this film is infinitely cooler in the "gee-whiz" SFX department. It was also directed by Robert Rodriguez, who you may know as the guy that made the Desperado series, Sin City, and Planet Terror. I can understand his ventures into family films because the guy's got kids. Why not have daddy make a movie for them?

I've never seen the first two Spy Kids, but it didn't matter. I picked up on the who's who and what's what during the first few minutes of the film. So the government employs kids as special agents/detectives and occasionally sends them out for special missions. This time, a bad guy called the Toymaker (Stallone) has created a virtual reality game that sucks away the attention span of kids. The main Spy Kid, whatever his name is, has to go in and rescue his fellow Spy Kid that's trapped on the fourth level, and who also happens to be his sister.

And this is another movie that shows me roads I never knew I could take when playing Six Degrees of Separation because there are cameos up, around, and out the ass in this movie. We've got Antonio Banderas, George Clooney, Salma Hayek, Cheech Marin, Mike Judge (creator of Office Space and Beavis & Butthead), Elijah Wood, Steve Buscemi, Bill Paxton, and Ricardo Montalban (KHAAAAN!!) all appearing in this movie.

All the stars in the world can't save this movie though. It's excruciating. I know it's meant for kids, but how come I can watch Star Wars or most Disney movies and love them? The main Spy Kid is boring to follow as a protagonist, and with the exception of Stallone, KHAAAAAN!!!, and Salma Hayek, none of them appear onscreen for more than a few minutes which means we're stuck with this little twat for the entire movie. I still can't remember his name.

But it's a kids movie, and I shouldn't overanalyze this kind of stuff. Still, a bad kids movie is harder for me to watch than a poor entry in just about any other genre of film. Once again, I applaud all parents out there. Sitting through hours of Hannah Montana must hurt your souls, but it is a true testament of your love for your child to be able to endure that.

I wasn't being serious about not wanting to have kids just because I didn't want to watch shitty kids movies. If you asked me today if I wanted to have kids within the next few years, my answer would be no, but with a "never-say-never" attached to the end. If I do end up inflicting my offspring upon the world, I'd let them watch whatever crappy kids movie they want to. Being a parent is a Project Stallone in its own right.

Project Stallone: "Shade"

Shade
By Peter John Gardner

People that regularly play poker and blackjack hate me. Despise me. Why? Because I’m one of those people that rarely every gambles, has to be dragged kicking and screaming into a poker game, and when I finally play, I clean house. I have no idea why.

Shade is a poker movie much in the same vein as Rounders. Had they not been made so closely in conjunction with each other, this film might have seen a wider release because not only does it feature a great cast, but the movie is pretty damn good. If you’ve seen any poker or heist movies, then you know the drill with the plot. A group of hustlers, played by Gabriel Byrne, Jamie Foxx, and Stuart Townsend make their money in the seedy world of guys that play card games in dusty warehouses all day. They hatch a plan to take down the seemingly undefeatable card player known as "The Dean", played by Stallone in a role that actually requires him to act. A little bit, at least. Anyway, double crosses abound, things don’t go as well as planned, yet everything is tied up in a satisfying ending that didn’t leave me confused as to how the actual heist went down. I love me some heist movies, but there have been a few where when the whole plan is finally revealed, I’m left confused. Can anyone explain to me exactly how they pulled off their heist in Ocean’s 12?

I don’t hate poker or any other card game, I just avoid it because I’m scared of losing. All of my life, I’ve been terrible at math and my memory is like a static filled channel on television that never quite comes in clear. Math and memory are the two main skills to have in order to be a successful poker player, both of which I don’t have. Yet, as I mentioned earlier, I do great at poker, and there’s nothing more enraging to a seasoned poker vet than losing to the guy that obviously has no idea what he’s doing, yet he still ends up with a straight.

A big element to gambling is risk, and perhaps that’s why I avoid it. I’m too much of a pussy to put anything of value (literally and figuratively) up at stake when the outcome depends on a test of my skill.

Maybe I’ve grown smart enough to not trust my ego. Sure, I may slay the few times that I do decide to play, but if I played more often, I’d definitely lose more than I’d win, so don’t consider this to be a brag fest about my poker "skills". That being said, if any of you out there are planning a heist of some sort, please include me. I could be the secret weapon, the newbie that the regulars can’t read easily. Or just let me drive the getaway car.