Project Stallone: "Judge Dredd"

Judge Dredd
By Peter John Gardner

No.

Project Stallone: "The Specialist"

The Specialist
By Peter John Gardner

The plot synopsis on the back of the Netflix sleeve for The Specialist is as follows: "Luis Llosa directs this explosive action vehicle shot on location in Miami. An ex-CIA munitions expert known as "The Specialist" (Sylvester Stallone) meets a determined beauty (Sharon Stone) seeking revenge against the mob family (Rod Steiger, Eric Roberts) who killed her parents. When the two join forces, it's twice the TNT. The (literally) steamy Stallone/Stone shower scene is a classic of 1990s cinematic erotica."

Because of that last line, this movie sat on my coffee table for a week and a half. When I finally worked up enough nerve to watch it, I found that the dvd was cracked, and I had to order another from Netflix. I still don't believe in god, but I do think that something out there didn't want me to see this movie, and for good reason.

I could detail the plot for you, but the Netflix synopsis pretty much sums it up. It's another Stallone movie filled with bad one-liners, plot holes big enough to swan dive into, and a bunch of random shit blowing up. The only thing that sticks in one's mind after watching The Specialist is the friggin' awkward sex scene between Stallone and Stone's characters (Wait...Stallone/Stone. That rhymes! Why didn't the ad execs run with that for the marketing campaign?).

I think that Sharon Stone was the first exposure to the female anatomy for a lot of guys my age. Basic Instinct and this film came out during the puberty years for guys that are now in their mid-to-late twenties. She was still hot in this movie, so no awkwardness there. It's Stallone that's the problem. The Party at Kitty and Stud's was more than enough Stallone sex that I needed to see, and fuck Luis Llosa for making a film that has more. I've lost track of how many times I've seen Stallone's ass over the course of Project Stallone.

Watching the shower sex scene is kinda like accidentally walking in on two of your friends having sex. Sure, one or both may be attractive, but the initial reaction is usually, "Whoa!" followed by "AHHHH!" and a slammed door. Just because someone's your friend doesn't mean you want to have the mental image of them doing the cha-cha stuck in your memory.

Does this all mean that I consider Stallone to be a friend? Well, despite the fact that I've seen more of him over the past year than some of my real friends, the answer is still a resounding no.

Project Stallone: "Demolition Man"

Demolition Man
By Peter John Gardner

A bathroom is a safe zone where you take care of your most private business, and when you bring that room into a public area, it creates nothing but awkward and embarassing situations. I find public restrooms to be uncomfortable places, and it has nothing to do with germaphobia or homophobia because I possess neither. Weird shit goes on in restrooms when you've got your penis in your hand. No matter how mundane the scenario is under normal circumstances, if it happens in a bathroom, it becomes awkward.

Here's my first example. Indian River Mall in Vero Beach, Florida. I was working at Wave's Music at the time (which would eventually become FYE), and I left the store for a bathroom break. As I stood there at the urinal doing my duty, I felt a warm breath on the back of my neck.

"Heeeeeeey man....you looking for bud?"

Now under different circumstances, I might have taken him up on the offer, but something about a guy offering me pot while I'm taking a leak in a public restroom felt fundamentally wrong. I politely declined and shifted my feet a little to show that I wasn't comfortable with him being that close to me as I was peeing. Crazy shit goes on in bathrooms. A guy once started singing "Once Bitten, Twice Shy" to me while we were peeing. I've also had a guy come up and start fixing my hair while whizzing. Another guy asked me why my urine was so yellow.

In "Demolition Man", Stallone plays a cop again, but this time there are consequences for him blowing a ton of shit up just to arrest one guy. Along with his arch enemy Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes in full on Dennis Rodman mode), Stallone is cryogenetically frozen for his crimes. When Phoenix escapes from his parole hearing (he was genetically modified by the bad guys during his frozen sleep), the police of the future, who are about as threatening as high school hall monitors, have no other choice but to wake up Stallone in order to catch Phoenix. Well, I'm sure there were other options but then there wouldn't be a movie.

The movie itself is fun. Sandra Bullock shows that she can be adorable when she's not doing cheeseball romantic comedies, Denis Leary plays a character that's not too far removed from his standup act, and there's a great running gag where the characters keep getting fined whenever someone uses profanity.

Back to bathroom talk. Shortly after thawing out, Stallone makes his first trip to restroom of the future. When he comes out, he informs the police that they're out of toliet paper, and there are just three shells sitting there.

"He doesn't know how to use the shells!" chortles the always annoying Rob Schneider. Way to make Stallone feel awkward, Deuce Bigalow. For the life of me, I can't figure out the shells either. Three shells to wipe your ass with? Somehow this is more sanitary than disposable toliet paper? In the future, are we going to be scraping dingleberries from our butts with clam shells? I don't blame Stallone for his confusion, but to be publicly humiliated for not knowing proper restroom procedure is downright mean.

Here is another story of bathroom awkwardness. In my senior year of college at UCF, I think I bonded with a professor over a fart.

I was walking from the library to the student union to get some food when my bladder started to remind me of the two bottles of Aquafina that I drank earlier. So, like most rational people in that situation, I went to go for a leak. I'm standing there, taking the piss of a lifetime, when my US history professor strolls in, takes position at the urinal next to mine, and exchanges greetings with me. Now, I don't know about you, but there are few things in this world that I find more awkward than standing next to your teacher while the both of you have your dicks in your hand.

Anyway, so we're peeing, and just as I was about to finish up, I heard what sounded like a *PHWONK*. Yes. he farted. Right next to me. It wasn't really a stinky one, but it sure was loud.

I didn't know what to do. He cleared his throat, and then I just lost it. I started laughing so hard that the last remaining drops of my pee hurt on the way out.

What happened next surprised me. He started laughing too! It was an embarrassed laugh, but still a "fart laugh" nevertheless. Now that we both felt comfortable among his flatulence, I felt compelled to compliment his fart.

"Good one, sir."

"Um...thanks Mr. Gardner. See you on Thursday."

And that was it. It's a good thing that it was the end of the semester because I really couldn't take that guy seriously anymore.

Project Stallone: "Cliffhanger"

Cliffhanger
By Peter John Gardner

If my memory serves me well, which all too often it does not, this is the first Stallone movie that I saw in the theater. Normally that wouldn't be something that one commemorates, but I guess it's relevant to the Project. I saw it with my friend Scott, who looked like a human version of Bart Simpson, and I recall us in the theater saying to each other, "This would make an AWESOME videogame!"

Cliffhanger eventually was made into a videogame, and it was far from awesome. The movie, on the other hand, still holds up as a solid action movie. It starts off with Stallone accidentally letting his friend fall to their death from thousands of feet in the air between mountain tops. Haunted by the event, Stallone goes into exile. Monthes later, he returns to the mountain rescue team for reasons left unexplained in the movie, and walks right into a terrorist situation where the bad guys have crashed their plane in the mountains and lost several suitcases full of money in the crash. Stallone and his team are forced to help.

These are cool terrorists, though, because they're led by John Lithgow! Even when he's killing his own henchmen, it's hard not to love Lithgow. The guy was born to play a villain. I'd join a heist with him.

As with just about every action movie from the late 80s/early 90s, there are plot holes galore, but as long as you're willing to turn your brain off for two hours, "Cliffhanger" is good. Unable to secure permits to film in the USA, the filmmakers filmed all the mountain sequences in Europe, so the scenery in the movie is breathtaking, and the filmmakers use all the mountains, waterfalls, and cliffs to their advantage. Really, it's refreshing to watch a well made Stallone movie after suffering through stuff like "Rhinestone" and "Stop! or My Mom Will Shoot".

That being said, this is still a Stallone action movie, and it doesn't have any themes or messages that I haven't covered already in past entries. This project has become an exercise in pulling something out of nothing, and these past few entries have had me pulling nothing out of nothing. I guess I'll go with a metaphor. Stallone lets his friend literally slip out of his hand at the beginning of the movie, and she plummets to her death. I've let a few women slip through my fingers over the course of my life. I'm oblivious when it comes to flirtation a lot of times. I either chalk it up to general playfulness, or I don't pick up on the signals at all until long after the fact. I'm not exactly the type of guy that women clamor for, so when it does happen, I'm usually ignorant.

"Peter, she was trying to flirt with you"
"Huh? Really?"
"Um...YEAH!"
"Oh...really? Me?"
"Shut up, peter"

It's a good thing these poor girls didn't fall thousands of feet to their death afterwards.