Rhinestone
By Peter John Gardner
Although I was born in New York, I have lived in the south for the better part of my life. While I spawned in Long Island, NY and lived there for my first seven years, my family moved to Dallas, TX when my father received a job offer from JCPenney HQs located in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area. After seven years of Texas, my parents divorced, and my mom and I moved to Florida so that we could be closer to my grandparents. I've been living in the south for about 17 years now, yet it's never felt like home to me. Even though I only lived in NY for a few years, it was the NY mindset and culture that I most identified with, seeing as how my family consisted of native New Yorkers and New Englanders. To this day, I still have NY-to--Southern-America culture shock moments. I giggle when I see somebody wearing a cowboy hat, and I still think southern accents sound funny.
Rhinestone finds our old friend Sly in a similar boat. He plays a smart-mouthed, obnoxious, simple minded cab driver in New York City. He comes from a stereotypical Italian-American family (they have meatballs for lunch! Every day!) and lives above his father's funeral parlor. One night, when scaring the living shit out of some Japanese tourists in his taxi, he ends up at the Rhinestone club which just so happens to be THE place to go for country western...in New York City. Meanwhile, Club Rhinestone's in-house star Jake (played by Dolly Parton), has a bet going with the club's manager that she can turn the next "normal" person she sees into a country music sensation. Stallone nearly crashes into the front of the club with his taxi, tourists still in tow. And then, my friends, hilarity ensues...
The rest of the movie is just one awkward and uncomfortable moment after another as we see Stallone learning not only how to sing country music but the ins and outs of Southern culture as well ("If you want to be a real cowboy, you gotta mix your peas with your mashed potatoes!" says Dolly). Have you ever wanted to see Sylvester Stallone in cowboy attire? You got it. How about Stallone trying to get Dolly Parton to sleep with him? It's here. Stallone singing the most god awful country music you will ever hear? Rent this bad boy.
The movie is meant to be a comedy, but it left me feeling more awkward than anything. To its credit, Stallone's character is supposed to be obnoxious, and he handles that well (whether he's consciously doing so or not is another matter entirely). Dolly Parton, as ridiculous looking as she is under about ten pounds of makeup, is actually quite charming in her role. She's basically playing herself, but that's ok. Dolly's personality is basically that Southern-girl-next-door type; everyone knows a girl like Dolly, minus all the makeup.
Coming from a family with a prominent Italian-American side, I couldn't help but share Stallone's awkwardness and culture shock throughout this entire movie. I've had many embarrasing moments when hanging out with friends that grew up primarily in the south. For instance, I had no idea what the fuck grits were for most of my life. My family always called the dish polenta.
"Wanna go out fer breakfast and git some pancakes and grits?"
"Pancakes and wha...?"
This gem from an ex-girlfriend's family Thanksgiving dinner also sticks out in my mind:
Her uncle: "We're gonna have a barn raising this weekend. You should help out, Pieter (yes, that's how southern people pronounce my name)!
Me: "What the hell is a barn raising?"
There seems to be such a sharp divide between northeast culture and southern culture in America that when one combines the two, as in Rhinestone, the results aren't exactly comedic. They just feel like a series of really awkward scenes that rely solely on the fish-out-of-water element for laughs.
I'm 26 years old, and I've lived in the south for 19 years of my life. I don't really consider myself a New Yorker at heart. I never developed a New York accent (unlike everyone else in my family), my attachment to the state has dissipated over time, and whenever I've gone back to visit family, while I feel more comfortable there than in the South, it still doesn't quite feel like home. I don't really feel like a Southerner either. I don't care for Southern cooking, never got into country, never picked up a Southern accent, never understood the attachment to religion, never understood Southern pride and rebel flags, and I NEVER mix my peas with my mashed potatoes.
So, if New York doesn't feel like home, and I don't really fit in Texas or Florida, then where do I belong? This movie only reminded me of the black sheep insecurites that I feel with my friends, co-workers, and my own family. Rhinestone is supposed to be a comedy, but it just made me uncomfortable. While you may not share the same insecurities that I do, the sight of Stallone in cowboy swag line-dancing and singing country songs should be enough to make you squirm.
"Wherever you go, there you are." Ok, that's cool and all, but what if where you are just doesn't feel like it's where you're supposed to be?
