Project Stallone: "Judge Dredd"

Judge Dredd
By Peter John Gardner

No.

Project Stallone: "The Specialist"

The Specialist
By Peter John Gardner

The plot synopsis on the back of the Netflix sleeve for The Specialist is as follows: "Luis Llosa directs this explosive action vehicle shot on location in Miami. An ex-CIA munitions expert known as "The Specialist" (Sylvester Stallone) meets a determined beauty (Sharon Stone) seeking revenge against the mob family (Rod Steiger, Eric Roberts) who killed her parents. When the two join forces, it's twice the TNT. The (literally) steamy Stallone/Stone shower scene is a classic of 1990s cinematic erotica."

Because of that last line, this movie sat on my coffee table for a week and a half. When I finally worked up enough nerve to watch it, I found that the dvd was cracked, and I had to order another from Netflix. I still don't believe in god, but I do think that something out there didn't want me to see this movie, and for good reason.

I could detail the plot for you, but the Netflix synopsis pretty much sums it up. It's another Stallone movie filled with bad one-liners, plot holes big enough to swan dive into, and a bunch of random shit blowing up. The only thing that sticks in one's mind after watching The Specialist is the friggin' awkward sex scene between Stallone and Stone's characters (Wait...Stallone/Stone. That rhymes! Why didn't the ad execs run with that for the marketing campaign?).

I think that Sharon Stone was the first exposure to the female anatomy for a lot of guys my age. Basic Instinct and this film came out during the puberty years for guys that are now in their mid-to-late twenties. She was still hot in this movie, so no awkwardness there. It's Stallone that's the problem. The Party at Kitty and Stud's was more than enough Stallone sex that I needed to see, and fuck Luis Llosa for making a film that has more. I've lost track of how many times I've seen Stallone's ass over the course of Project Stallone.

Watching the shower sex scene is kinda like accidentally walking in on two of your friends having sex. Sure, one or both may be attractive, but the initial reaction is usually, "Whoa!" followed by "AHHHH!" and a slammed door. Just because someone's your friend doesn't mean you want to have the mental image of them doing the cha-cha stuck in your memory.

Does this all mean that I consider Stallone to be a friend? Well, despite the fact that I've seen more of him over the past year than some of my real friends, the answer is still a resounding no.

Project Stallone: "Demolition Man"

Demolition Man
By Peter John Gardner

A bathroom is a safe zone where you take care of your most private business, and when you bring that room into a public area, it creates nothing but awkward and embarassing situations. I find public restrooms to be uncomfortable places, and it has nothing to do with germaphobia or homophobia because I possess neither. Weird shit goes on in restrooms when you've got your penis in your hand. No matter how mundane the scenario is under normal circumstances, if it happens in a bathroom, it becomes awkward.

Here's my first example. Indian River Mall in Vero Beach, Florida. I was working at Wave's Music at the time (which would eventually become FYE), and I left the store for a bathroom break. As I stood there at the urinal doing my duty, I felt a warm breath on the back of my neck.

"Heeeeeeey man....you looking for bud?"

Now under different circumstances, I might have taken him up on the offer, but something about a guy offering me pot while I'm taking a leak in a public restroom felt fundamentally wrong. I politely declined and shifted my feet a little to show that I wasn't comfortable with him being that close to me as I was peeing. Crazy shit goes on in bathrooms. A guy once started singing "Once Bitten, Twice Shy" to me while we were peeing. I've also had a guy come up and start fixing my hair while whizzing. Another guy asked me why my urine was so yellow.

In "Demolition Man", Stallone plays a cop again, but this time there are consequences for him blowing a ton of shit up just to arrest one guy. Along with his arch enemy Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes in full on Dennis Rodman mode), Stallone is cryogenetically frozen for his crimes. When Phoenix escapes from his parole hearing (he was genetically modified by the bad guys during his frozen sleep), the police of the future, who are about as threatening as high school hall monitors, have no other choice but to wake up Stallone in order to catch Phoenix. Well, I'm sure there were other options but then there wouldn't be a movie.

The movie itself is fun. Sandra Bullock shows that she can be adorable when she's not doing cheeseball romantic comedies, Denis Leary plays a character that's not too far removed from his standup act, and there's a great running gag where the characters keep getting fined whenever someone uses profanity.

Back to bathroom talk. Shortly after thawing out, Stallone makes his first trip to restroom of the future. When he comes out, he informs the police that they're out of toliet paper, and there are just three shells sitting there.

"He doesn't know how to use the shells!" chortles the always annoying Rob Schneider. Way to make Stallone feel awkward, Deuce Bigalow. For the life of me, I can't figure out the shells either. Three shells to wipe your ass with? Somehow this is more sanitary than disposable toliet paper? In the future, are we going to be scraping dingleberries from our butts with clam shells? I don't blame Stallone for his confusion, but to be publicly humiliated for not knowing proper restroom procedure is downright mean.

Here is another story of bathroom awkwardness. In my senior year of college at UCF, I think I bonded with a professor over a fart.

I was walking from the library to the student union to get some food when my bladder started to remind me of the two bottles of Aquafina that I drank earlier. So, like most rational people in that situation, I went to go for a leak. I'm standing there, taking the piss of a lifetime, when my US history professor strolls in, takes position at the urinal next to mine, and exchanges greetings with me. Now, I don't know about you, but there are few things in this world that I find more awkward than standing next to your teacher while the both of you have your dicks in your hand.

Anyway, so we're peeing, and just as I was about to finish up, I heard what sounded like a *PHWONK*. Yes. he farted. Right next to me. It wasn't really a stinky one, but it sure was loud.

I didn't know what to do. He cleared his throat, and then I just lost it. I started laughing so hard that the last remaining drops of my pee hurt on the way out.

What happened next surprised me. He started laughing too! It was an embarrassed laugh, but still a "fart laugh" nevertheless. Now that we both felt comfortable among his flatulence, I felt compelled to compliment his fart.

"Good one, sir."

"Um...thanks Mr. Gardner. See you on Thursday."

And that was it. It's a good thing that it was the end of the semester because I really couldn't take that guy seriously anymore.

Project Stallone: "Cliffhanger"

Cliffhanger
By Peter John Gardner

If my memory serves me well, which all too often it does not, this is the first Stallone movie that I saw in the theater. Normally that wouldn't be something that one commemorates, but I guess it's relevant to the Project. I saw it with my friend Scott, who looked like a human version of Bart Simpson, and I recall us in the theater saying to each other, "This would make an AWESOME videogame!"

Cliffhanger eventually was made into a videogame, and it was far from awesome. The movie, on the other hand, still holds up as a solid action movie. It starts off with Stallone accidentally letting his friend fall to their death from thousands of feet in the air between mountain tops. Haunted by the event, Stallone goes into exile. Monthes later, he returns to the mountain rescue team for reasons left unexplained in the movie, and walks right into a terrorist situation where the bad guys have crashed their plane in the mountains and lost several suitcases full of money in the crash. Stallone and his team are forced to help.

These are cool terrorists, though, because they're led by John Lithgow! Even when he's killing his own henchmen, it's hard not to love Lithgow. The guy was born to play a villain. I'd join a heist with him.

As with just about every action movie from the late 80s/early 90s, there are plot holes galore, but as long as you're willing to turn your brain off for two hours, "Cliffhanger" is good. Unable to secure permits to film in the USA, the filmmakers filmed all the mountain sequences in Europe, so the scenery in the movie is breathtaking, and the filmmakers use all the mountains, waterfalls, and cliffs to their advantage. Really, it's refreshing to watch a well made Stallone movie after suffering through stuff like "Rhinestone" and "Stop! or My Mom Will Shoot".

That being said, this is still a Stallone action movie, and it doesn't have any themes or messages that I haven't covered already in past entries. This project has become an exercise in pulling something out of nothing, and these past few entries have had me pulling nothing out of nothing. I guess I'll go with a metaphor. Stallone lets his friend literally slip out of his hand at the beginning of the movie, and she plummets to her death. I've let a few women slip through my fingers over the course of my life. I'm oblivious when it comes to flirtation a lot of times. I either chalk it up to general playfulness, or I don't pick up on the signals at all until long after the fact. I'm not exactly the type of guy that women clamor for, so when it does happen, I'm usually ignorant.

"Peter, she was trying to flirt with you"
"Huh? Really?"
"Um...YEAH!"
"Oh...really? Me?"
"Shut up, peter"

It's a good thing these poor girls didn't fall thousands of feet to their death afterwards.

Project Stallone: "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot"

Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot
By Peter John Gardner

Do you ever have those awkward moments with your parents where they temporarily forget that you're an adult and treat you like you're ten years old again? I'm 26 years old, have been living on my own since 18, and my mom still regularly asks me if I've been brushing my teeth and eating right. When I lived in Vero Beach, my mom would always start cleaning whenever she came by for a visit. That got annoying because she would organize my belongings and throw out what she thought was loose paper and junk mail on the kitchen table. The papers on the kitchen table was usually my schoolwork.

Picture a whole, 90 minute movie based around these awkward and annoying moments, and you have the punctuationally challenged "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot". This movie thinks those moments are funny, and perhaps with the right writer they are. Thing is, the movie just makes the viewer feel uncomfortable and awkward as you watch scenes of Stallone and none other than Sofia from "The Golden Girls" as mother and son.

You can pretty much guess the plot from the title of the film and the cover of the dvd. Stallone's a cop, his mom comes to town, ends up getting involved with his police work, hilarity ensues.

There is a scene where Stallone is trying to talk a man out of jumping off a building. Defying any sort of logic, the police let Stallone's mother, a character that hasn't even been introduced to his coworkers yet, take control of the megaphone while Sly is up on the ledge trying to talk to the guy. Mama Stallone starts telling the suicidal guy how awesome her son is and informs the ladies present that he is single. The jumper tells Stallone, "Jeez man, you're worse off than I am" and heads inside the window. Cut to a news clips showing Stallone still on the ledge, and the reporter telling us about a man threatening suicide. Stallone should've jumped.

Lesson learned from the film? Your parents will always be your parents. No matter how old I get, I'll always be the baby boy in their eyes, and even as one grows into adulthood, they'll always look after me and take care of me. Now that I'm older, I don't really mind when my friends hear potentially embarrassing stories about my childhood, and I feel fortunate to have a mother that is not as overbearing as Sofia in this movie. If anything, my mom is turning out to be more like Betty White's character, Rose, from the Golden Girls.

No matter how old one gets, you'll always have a little bit of schmootz on your cheek that your mom will wipe off with a tissue in front of all your friends.

Project Stallone: "Oscar"

Oscar
By Peter John Gardner

Sly's first attempt at intentional comedy since Rhinestone was marketed as a movie for the whole family when it was released, so one would assume that Oscar is one of those films that's mainly meant for kids but also has a few jokes that only adults would understand. I remember seeing this when I was a kid and not understanding the plot at all nor finding it funny. Don't mistake my naivity for being pretentious at the tender age of ten. Around the same time, I thought that Axl Rose was a great singer and womens' breasts were filled with juice. Since I didn't understand the film, and it wasn't a Star Wars or Ghostbusters movie, I duly forgot about it.

After watching Oscar as an adult, I was able to understand the plot, and the reason that it flew over my head as a kid is because it centers around situations that a kid wouldn't care about it (confusion about who the baby's daddy is, being double crossed by accountants, marriage arrangements). The film's plot is of the Murphy's Law variety. Stallone is Snaps Provolone, a mobster who vowed to his dying father that he would go straight. The morning that he's supposed to make his final transistion into a banker, he finds out that his daughter is pregnant, his accountant is trying to screw him over, and his henchmen won't stop calling him 'boss', a running joke that's not funny the first time nor the seventeenth time it comes up in the movie.

Trying to incorporate this piece of shit into my own life is where I'm drawing a blank. I've never been involved in organized crime, I don't have a rebellious daughter or an accountant, and I don't know anyone named Oscar that could be the real father of my daughter's kid. Maybe that's my problem. I'm a simple guy who leads a simple life. I don't ask for much, and I have no problem at all with being left alone. I've been through enough drama in the past that I purposely remove myself from situations that could potentially cause unwanted drama.

I've become bored with my life for the past year and a half, and perhaps it needs complications to its plot, whether they be good or bad. I've become so defensive that I back away from situations that could be problematic, and I think it's time for that to stop. It's time for me to stop thinking too much about things and just go ahead and fucking do it and deal with whatever problems may arise when it's time. Now, I'm not going to run out today and impregnate some woman just to practice what I'm preaching but I think I'm smart enough and have good enough judgement to deal with life matters that I always told myself I couldn't handle. I've learned a lot since I was that naive little kid watching Oscar in 1991. At the very least, I know that womens' breasts are NOT filled with juice.

Project Stallone: "Rocky V"

Rocky V
By Peter John Gardner

Stallone's original draft for the script of what was, at the time, the final installment of the Rocky saga had our hero die at the end. Now artistically speaking, this wouldn't be a bad idea as it would give closure to a series that was running way past its welcome in the public eye. Stallone had the cajones to kill off the character that brought him success in Hollywood, and I sort of applaud him for that. Studios interfered by saying that it would be like killing Superman, so the ending was rewritten with Balboa victorious in the final fight. I can see it both ways, but I'm glad that Balboa stayed alive in the final fight so that this godawful movie wouldn't mark the end of what was originally an earnest and heroic character.

Not breaking formula, this one picks up right where the last film left off. After the fight with Ivan Drago at the end of Rocky IV, Balboa has suffered irreversible brain damage. If he continues fighting, he'll become even more fucked in the head. So Rocky is supposed to be a little loopy during this film, but the problem with this is that the character already comes across as retarded, so the only way the script can show that Rock-o has brain damage is by throwing in extra "yo". Rocky said "yo" in the previous films, but nowhere near the ridiculousness in this one. Rocky pretty much says "yo" for everything.

"Welcome home, Rocky!"
"Yo!"

"I love you"
"Yo."

"You've suffered severe trauma to the head"
"Yo" :-(

An obnoxious boxing promoter named Duke is Rocky's main antagonist throughout the film. He's played as a really silly version of Don King, and it's hard to keep a straight face whenever this guy comes onscreen. He wants Rocky back in the ring just for the revenue that it would bring. Adrian flat out refuses, but Rocky can't keep boxing out of his mind.

"You're a damn fool"
"Yo."

Rocky meets a young, up and commer by the name of Tommy Gun, whom he sees a little bit of himself in, so Rocky ends up training and managing the fighter. Eventually, Tommy gets frustrated with Rocky's slow burn way of managing and feels that he's ready for a shot at the title. All the meantime, Rocky's son (who has aged about five years since the last movie even though this is supposed to take place RIGHT AFTER Rocky IV) is feeling neglected by his father as Rocky turns his attention towards Tommy instead of him. See where this is going yet? Tommy and Duke end up in cahoots while Rocky makes amends with his son.

I can understand Rocky's approach to managing. It takes time to become better at what you think you're good at. Rocky's not in it for the money, and he tries to convince Tommy that fortune and glory shouldn't be his goals as a boxer. It's about, here comes the cliche, the love of the sport. Rocky was a great fighter not only because of his strength and skills but also his heart.

The lesson presented in this mess of a movie is actually pretty poignant. When choosing a path in life, go for the one that will bring you the most happiness. Throughout college, I flipped my major around a few times. It started as English, then Business, then Education, and finally Creative Writing. English and Education kinda go hand in hand with the degree I ended up with, but Business was a left field choice that I made thinking that any degree in the arts would get me nowhere. So, I flirted with Business classes for two semesters thinking that I should be doing that instead. While I learned a lot as far as business and management are concerned, my heart wasn't in it at all.

These days, I do bitch and moan about my bachelor's degree and how useless it is. That doesn't mean that I'm not proud. Quite the opposite. I worked hard in school and had to overcome many hard times outside of school during my college years, and I still made it. I graduated college, and that's more than a lot of people out there can say. Tommy Gunn would take the easy way to the top. I'm doing it the Balboa way. I may not be the best at what I do, and it may take some time to get where I want in life, but god damn it, I'm sticking with doing what I love, and I'm sure that all the frustrations that I have now with work and getting into grad school will be compensated in the end with good karma. Hopefully.

This is unrelated to piece but still needs to be addressed. After the street fight at the end of the movie, which is actually one of the highlights of the series, Rocky and Duke have this little exchange.

Duke: C'mon pug. Touch me and I'll sue. *shit eating grin*
Rocky decks him in the chin.
Rocky: Sue me for what?

And then the movie goes to final scene with Rocky and his son. What the fuck? How about assault and battery for starters? At least that would explain why Rocky is still broke at the beginning of Rocky Balboa fifteen years later. Maybe Rocky is unsueable?

"Merry Xmas!! Look! Here comes Santa Claus!"
"Yo, yo, yo"