Death Race 2000
By Peter John Gardner
There is a certain hypocrisy that exists between motorists and pedestrians that I've never quite fully understood. Let me preface this by saying that I do it too, so I'm not passing judgment on anyone; just stating the obvious.
When you're walking through a parking lot, you expect all traffic to stop around you as you make your way into Payless Shoe Source or Food Lion. If a car cuts you off as you're walking, you think to yourself something along the lines of, "Douche bag. Pedestrians have the right of way". It's true. It's the law.
Now, let's imagine ourselves on the flip side of this coin. You're in your car, you've got to be at work in 15 minutes, and you just need to run into the post office real quick to mail off your utility bill because it's late, and you can't pay it online because your internet is down. You're in a hurry, but you're going the 10 mph speed limit in the shopping plaza. All of a sudden, some meathead in a football jersey with the sleeves cut off and his Twinkie filled girlfriend walk right in your path. They walk really slow, or so it seems; all while you scream your favorite expletives in your car for them to hurry it up. While they do have the right of way, you have become pissed right the fuck off and immediately forget any time that you've been a pedestrian. Again, you're in a hurry, so you start thinking wild thoughts. Perhaps, even for just a split second, you wish that you could just run right over them without consequence (or maybe you've never thought that. Just pretend that you have, for the sake of my point).
In real life, you'd go to jail.
In the world of DEATH RACE 2000, you'd score 10 points, plus an extra 40 depending on whether or not the two are teenagers.
"Death Race 2000" takes place in the year 2000, a year in which 70s filmmakers thought that America would be running the world like it owns the place and is ruled by an evil dictator that focuses more on distractions than the real issues at hand. Silly writers can never get the future right.
Anyway, every country in the world has become America, and the country's main pastime is it's annual "Death Race". Participants from all over the globe engage in a cross country grand prix where they compete for the highest score by hitting the most bystanders.
Have you ever heard yourself or someone you know mention "10 points!" for potentially hitting some person that it's in your way? The point system comes from this movie, and it goes something like this:
Women: 10 points
Teenagers: 40 points
Race officials: 50 points
Children under 12: 70 points
Senior citizens: 100 points (Local hospitals have "Euthanasia Day" during the race in which the wheelchair bound elderly are lined up in the road, smiling and patiently awaiting their death by turbo car)
Each driver has a car outfitted with weapons of destruction that are never really used. Presumably due to budget restraints, the cars have swords and machine guns attached to them that look about as realistic as that "fort" you made out of cardboard boxes when you were a kid.
The movie does feature a colorful cast of characters for the racers with names like Calamity Jane, Matilda the Hun, and Nero the Hero. Out of all the drivers in the movie, you'll recognize two. First off, there is the reigning champion, "Frankenstein", as portrayed by David Carradine who is known to some as Kane from "Kung Fu" and known to others as Bill from "Kill Bill". Supposedly, Frankenstein has been genetically built by the government to be the best death racer around, and his body is comprised of the best bits from other racers.
The other recognizable face is our very own piece of steroid enhanced Genoa salami, Sly Stallone portraying the overtly aggressive "Machine Gun" Joe Viterbo. Machine Gun Joe is supposed to be the movie's villain, but an adequate conflict between Stallone and Frankenstein is never fully fleshed out. Instead, we just have random scenes of Stallone firing a tommy gun into a crowd of racing fans and unchecked aggression towards his partner.
There really isn't much more to this movie other than the racing carnage. Frankenstein gets a small character arc in the form of a "love interest", and we get another awkward sex scene (I'm beginning to find that these seem to happen frequently in Stallone movies). Does this mean the movie is bad? Well, yeah, but it's one of those so bad it's good type of bad movies. It's fun and campy in the 60s version of Batman kind of way, and it's downright hilarious to watch with a big group of friends. This movie is cheesy, but it's a good cheese. A flavorful cheese.
In this film, Stallone's character is a one-dimensional thug. He never shows any empathy towards any of the other characters, and he regularly shows signs of unregulated aggression (the aforementioned scene with him shooting up the crowd springs to mind). In the end, Machine Gun Joe meets his doom by way of his own aggressiveness and ego.
Don't let this be your downfall. When someone heckles you from a crowd, don't shoot them with a tommy gun. Smile and continue singing along to Prince's "Diamonds and Pearls" that just came on the radio. If you're sitting at a stop sign and getting frustrated that no one will stop and let you pull out in front of them, don't worry about it. Instead, think about how you can make one of your friends smile and then do it. You see, Machine Gun Joe focuses to much on minor annoyances in life, and by not having a positive outlet, he eventually reaches a boiling point to where he just becomes mad at the world in general. We can learn something from Machine Gun Joe here, and that is to not let life's minor grievances get to you. Here, Stallone is a poster boy for anger management.
Next time you feel any hint of road rage, just think to yourself, "What would Stallone do?"....then do the opposite.
