Get Carter
By Peter John Gardner
I can sum this movie up with just a few lines.
"Yo...you knew my brother?"
"Yeah...he knew *insert secondary characters name here*"
"Thanks...yo"
Or
"Yo...you knew my brother?"
"I'm not telling you shit!"
*ass beating ensues*
"Yo...you knew my brother?"
"Fine! I'll talk! He knew *insert secondary character's name here*"
That's pretty much all that happens for the duration of Get Carter's 100+ minute running time. Stallone plays a mob enforcer, the kind of guy that you only see when you're in deep shit with the mob. At the start of the film, Carter (Sly) finds out that his brother died in an accident while driving drunk? Or was it a setup? Stallone decides to investigate.
And that's the whole fucking movie. Stallone going from one secondary character to another asking about his brother. This movie is a remake of a 1971 film of the same name which starred Michael Caine in the title role (Caine appears in the remake albeit in a different role). While Stallone certainly looks imposing as a mob enforcer, he never comes across as scary and cold blooded. It must be Stallone's puppy dog eyes. I'm interested in seeing the original now just to see what Caine did with the role because I can't imagine Caine being a cold blooded badass either, though I have to admit I haven't delved too deeply into Michael Caine's body of work.
What I'd like to talk about here is Stallone's facial hair. This is the first appearance of Stallone facial hair since Nighthawks, and it just doesn't work for him. Stallone sports a goatee that looks like it was drawn on with pencil and a Sharpee marker. Seriously, it bothered me throughout the film's running time. Some men just shouldn't sport facial hair...like me!
I've tried to grow a beard a few times over the years. The first few times, I would always cave in and shave after about a week and a half because I couldn't handle the itchiness. Last year, when I finally did let it grow for more than two weeks, it ended up looking like I glued pieces of pubic hair to my face. At times, I wish I had a beard that worked so that even when I'm saying the stupidest things I can think of, I'd still look somewhat intellectual. The other reason would be for laziness. The Italian/Spanish genes in me have taken over my facial hair growth, so it tends to grow back the minute I walk out of the bathroom.
Stallone's goatee symbolizes the start of a new century for Sly, but it's also a metaphor for his bad career choices. Like his goatee, many of his roles are thin, never fully developed, and are as appealing as the bartender at a Jimmy Buffet restaurant whose shoulders are damp from the hair gel dripping off his shoulders.
