Staying Alive
By Peter John Gardner
I am of the opinion that the makers of this movie intended it to be a masochistic experience for desperate souls that want to end their life. Watching this movie is an exercise of one's own will to live. As I watched this film, I considered suicide a few times, desperately wanting to get out of watching the rest of Staying Alive.
This movie is bad. Not just any kind of bad. It's a different kind of bad. This movie wrecked my soul.
For Project Stallone, I just follow along Stallone's filmography on imdb.com with Netflix. This movie, while written and directed by Sylvester Stallone, only featured him onscreen in a blink-and-you'll-miss-it cameo. "Whatever," I thought to myself. I've watched a movie with a Sly cameo for the Project before (Lovers and Other Strangers) and ended up actually kind of liking the movie.
But not here. This movie's aim is to hurt you. I wouldn't be surprised to find out if this movie was commissioned by the government in order to control overpopulation.
"Staying Alive" is an unnecessary sequel to "Saturday Night Fever", which is actually a pretty damn good movie even if you don't like disco. I don't know whose idea it was to bring back Tony Manero for more dancing hijinks, but the aftermath is crystal clear. This movie killed Travolta's status as an A-list star, and his career wouldn't be revived until Quentin Tarantino brought him onboard as Vincent Vega in "Pulp Fiction".
Perhaps it was Stallone's idea. A tough talking, streetwise, Italian-American from New York that rises to the top using his own raw talent? Stallone can relate, I'm sure. Dancing around in leotards and thongs for Broadway auditions? If that was Stallone's idea as well, I think we might be starting to see an abundance of underlying homosexuality at this point in his career (for further proof, see Rocky III).
I know the notion of a Travolta and Stallone teamup excites all of us, but the results will make you hate yourself. The plot of this movie is a mess of cliche and disjointed scenes that have no relevance to the plot of the movie. It's basically a boy-meets-girl, boy-thinks-he's-hot-shit, girl-ends-up-using-boy, boy-tries-to-win-her-over-with-his-supreme-dance-moves film. It lacks the fun and sass of Saturday Night Fever, as well as a decent soundtrack. Whereas in Saturday Night Fever, most of the songs are recognizable to even the most casual viewer, "Staying Alive" is flooded with dance sequences set to 80's synth pop that sounds like something you'd hear while shopping at TJ Maxx on a Sunday morning.
And there are MANY closeups of Travolta's crotch. They are so abundant that I refuse to believe that they weren't deliberately trying to insert as many crotch shots as possible. If you've ever wondered what kind of heat Travolta is packing, then this movie is for you.
But it's not the crotch shots that killed this movie for me. The plot is predictable, the dialogue will have you thinking, "Nobody fucking says that", the dance sequences aren't exciting at all, and the acting will make you want to stab yourself in the crotch with a pair of scissors. Nothing in this movie will enlighten anyone. Believe me, I tried to find some kind of lesson in this film, but I've got nothing other than repeating the usual underdog themes that I've discussed for previous Stallone films.
That doesn't mean that I didn't get anything out of this experience. After making it through "Staying Alive" with my wrists uncut, I now know that I can withstand anything that life may throw at me. It was a test of endurance and willpower, and I passed. In fact, I feel that anyone that can make it through Staying Alive's 93 minute runtime is a tough cookie. I don't know if making it through this movie has enlightened me in any kind of way; all I can say is that I survived.
