Project Stallone: "Lovers and Other Strangers"

Lovers and Other Strangers
By Peter John Gardner

"Don't look for happiness. It'll only make you miserable."

Best advice I ever heard.

Lovers and Other Strangers was based on a play that was making its rounds across the New York City theatre circuit at the time. The plot is centered around a young couple, Mike and Susan, and their doubts regarding their upcoming matrimonial union. Intercut throughout the film are several subplots involving characters related to the couple.

First, we've got Susan's parents, a couple that is seemingly happy on the surface, but Susan's dad is having quite the steamy affair behind his old lady's back. Bad karma, Mr. Susan's Dad.

Then we've got Susan's sister who is stuck in a sexless marriage with a husband that is more interested in watching Ingrid Bergman films than forking his wife.

Next up, we've got Mike's brother Richie who is already in an unhappy marriage and desperately wants out.

Not to be outdone, there is another subplot invoving one of the bridesmaids, Brenda, and an usher, Jerry. These two are set up on a blind date, and viewers get to watch Brenda cocktease Jerry for the entire film.

Towering above all else are Mike and Ritchie's Italian/American parents. These two are stuck in an unhappy marriage, yet they stay together because "that's what you're supposed to do". (Fun fact: Mike's mom is played by Bea Arthur, better known as Dorothy from the Golden Girls. First, this marks the second time I've seen a Golden Girl in a Stallone film. Second, was this woman ever young? The movie was made in 1970, and she looks older than she did on the Golden Girls).

If anyone's been a serious relationship, married or not, then it should be easy to relate to at least one of the characters and their subplot. Ever been in a relationship where your partner became uninterested in you sexually? Ever been in one where you find out your partner has been cheating on you? How about a relationship that you stayed in merely for the convenience instead of an actual passion?

What did I get from all of this? Some nuggets of wisdom, actually. The quote that opened the review is a line uttered by Mike's dad when Mike is expressing his doubts about getting married because he just wants to be happy. Taken out of context, the quote is pure brilliance. How many of us have strived for happiness only to find out that we're just making ourselves more miserable in the process? You can't force happiness upon yourself.

"You can't help who you love and who you don't love". This is a quote from Susan's dad when trying to justify his affair, but it's one that I think is applicable to everyone. Sometimes you have a family member or a close friend that has overwhelming flaws in their character. Would you ever stop loving them because of their faults? If you do, then you should probably re-evaluate what you think "love" is.

Oh, and Stallone. Um...according to imdb.com, he was an extra in this film, and try as I might, I couldn't find him. I checked every crowd scene for John Rambo walking around in the background. There is a dance sequence at the wedding where everyone is dancing those weird late 60s/early 70s spastic dances. I wanted to see Stallone do that. Hell, I wanted to see Stallone do his naked dance from "The Party at Kitty and Stud's" in the background of the wedding.

On the other hand, you do get to see one of the Golden Girls do the cha-cha. I found that amusing.

Instead, Stallone blends in seamlessly. You don't see him. Stallone is just a faceless extra in someone else's movie; a feeling that I have on a daily basis. Interesting stuff happens all around me...to other people. I'm the guy in the background. I'm the guy that was there at the party, but you didn't see him. I'm the guy that you pass by on the street and think nothing of. I blend in, but I'm not happy about it. Nothing about me sticks out to the average person.

Will my Stallonical odyssey help me overcome these insecurities? Maybe the answer lies in Death Race 2000...God help us all.

Project Stallone: "The Party at Kitty and Stud's"

The Italian Stallion a.k.a. The Party at Kitty & Stud's: A Review of Sorts
By Peter John Gardner

I really wish I could say that there was some long, arduous struggle that delayed my writing of this review. A much more exciting opening paragraph would be some anecdote about how I meticulously slaved over each and every word in this review, struggling to find the right words to articulate the emotions that I felt as I watched a young, ripe, and ready Sylvester Stallone pretend to have sex with a bevy of mediocre looking, 70's porn chicks.

Or I could lie and say that I've just been too busy to get to it. Work, social life, blah blah blah.

The truth is, it's been almost a week since I viewed the film, and I've just been too fucking lazy to get around to writing this proper. I tried a few other drafts. At first, I was going to break this down to a scene by scene analysis complete with screencaps and everything. I ran into a snag when trying to find a way to host photos with boobies and bing bongs, so I gave up. And days went by. And I did nothing.

This is where I think The Party at Kitty and Stud's mirrors my own life in a way. The plot revolves around Stud, played by our hero, as a man who seemingly lacks direction in life. There is no mention of what Stud does for a living or how he can afford the somewhat decent looking apartment that he shares with Kitty. Together, Kitty and Stud don't do much but sit around their place, get stoned, fuck, have orgies, drink each other's blood (I shit you not), pretend-rape each other, and dance naked in a circle while making faces that one can only assume are supposed to be "O faces".

Ok, so I've never danced around in a circle of nakedness and forest of pubic hair, nor have I ever raped anyone, and unlike Stud, I currently am employed, but the differences end there. You see, I'm a tall, dumb, Italian guy from New York as well. When I should be going out and taking control of my life, I find myself more interested in indulging my inner id.

There is a line uttered by Stallone after the "rape" scene that not only sums up the movie for me, but sums up my life as well. Sitting on a couch next to Kitty and enjoying a post-coital joint, Stud says, "You know, I sometimes once thought I knew a great secret, but somehow I forgot it."

Now, this moment of character development isn't touched upon at all for the rest of the film, but you understand the sentiment. You see, I too used to believe that I knew a great secret, that being the secret of living a happy life. Somewhere along the way, probably high school, my priorites switched from having a successful career to being concerned with sex, drugs, and rock & roll. Like Stud, I've forgotten my purpose in this world.

If any of you out there are actually interested in watching The Party at Kitty & Stud's, here are some things you should know. First of all, everything about it illustrates the low budget nature of the film. The acting is bad, the sets look cheap, and I'm not even sure there was any editing done. It looks more like the film was just shot in sequence because no one on the crew knew how to work an editing machine. Stallone gives it his all, even with the bad lines, and the fact that his cock is constantly in plain view, he still delivers a confident performance. Except for the sex scenes. You can tell that they probably had just met 5 minutes before they started shooting.

It's softcore, so you don't see any penetration, but what's funny is that the sex is so fake that in one scene, you can pretty much see this guy's dick flopping around as he's supposed to be having sex with one of Kitty's friends. And when Stallone climaxes, he makes the same, "YEEAARGH!" that he does when getting punched in the face in Rocky movies. It's pretty funny.

I found the women to be unarousing at best. Their bodies are alright. This was the early seventies, back when having a little junk in your trunk was a good thing, but the buzzkill is the pubic hair. There is LOTS of it. I mean, an infinite amount. Now, I'm all for a little bush on women. There's nothing wrong with that. Girls that are completely shaved creep me out because it makes me feel like I'm having sex with a girl that hasn't hit puberty yet. Not cool. What's wrong here is that there is just too much. You could practically lift these girls up by their crotch hair using your teeth. And oral? Bring a machete.

All in all, while the film was an interesting curiosity to behold, I can't say that I would recommend it to everyone. If you want the novelty of seeing Stallone's flabby-habby-babby, then knock yourself out. If you like hairy girls, rent this with the quickness. If you're looking for porn to get off on or a cinematic masterpiece to write your honor's thesis on, forget about it.

Still, I walked away from this film with a sense of purpose. What that purpose is remains to be seen.

Sylvester Stallone, Me, and You

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life, it's a new year. I've been hanging around this livejournal thing since 2003, and I'm still none the wiser. I figured that this year I will give this journal more of a purpose in addition to being a place where I vent and whine. I'm in my mid-twenties, and I've been looking for answers about love, careers, and life in general and the normal avenues for finding these answers have proven to be unsuccessful. So, here's how I'm going to approach this. I'm going to review every single Sylvester Stallone movie that Netflix carries over the course of 2007 in the chronological order in which they were released. I am a firm believer that by viewing Stallone's movies, I might find just whatever it is I've been looking for in my life.

Sly Stallone. Look at the guy's resume. This is genius at work, folks. Stallone just may be the muse that I'm looking for. Don't worry. You'll still get your usual random, irreverent, non-sensical rants and whining from me, but you'll also get a Stallone movie review every once in a while. If you hate Stallone, don't fret. I'll try to make it funny somehow. Besides, it's Stallone. Just look at him. Just the fact that he exists is funny in itself.

So, coming soon will be my review of Stallone's 1970 movie debut, "The Party at Kitty and Stud's", later renamed, "The Italian Stallion".

A softcore porn from Sly's early days, I'm hoping that this film will answer one of my long lingering queries, that being, "How much Stallone is too much Stallone?" Will I see Stallone's tush? Probably. Will I see Sly doing the freaky-nasty with big haired porn chicks from the late 60s? It's a porn, so yeah. Will I see Stallone's dick? Stay tuned.

What else is on deck? Here's what I'm up against for the rest of the year:
Antz (1998)
Assassins (1995)
Avenging Angelo (2002)
Cliffhanger (1993)
Cobra (1986)
Cop Land (1997)
Daylight (1996)
Death Race 2000 (1975)
Demolition Man (1993)
Driven (2001)
Eye See You (2002)
F.I.S.T. (1978)
Get Carter (2000)
Italian Stallion "Party at Kitty and Stud's"(1976)
Judge Dredd (1995)
Lock Up (1989)
The Lords of Flatbush (1974)
Lovers and Other Strangers (1970)
Nighthawks (1981)
Oscar (1991)
Over the Top (1987)
Paradise Alley (1978)
The Prisoner of Second Avenue (1975)
Rambo III: Ultimate Edition (1988)
Rambo: First Blood (1982)
Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985)
Rhinestone (1984)
Rocky (1976)
Rocky II (1979)
Rocky III (1982)
Rocky IV (1985)
Rocky V (1990)
Shade (2003)
The Specialist (1994)
Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over (2-D version) (2003)
Staying Alive (1983)
Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992)
Tango & Cash (1989)
Victory (1981)

I suffer for my art. I do this for you. I hope that my journey into the heart of Stallone's career will provide you with some insight into your life as well.